Sunday, August 27, 2017

Baby vs. Puppy

I've always been fascinated (and jealous) with women who know exactly how many children they want or don't want.  I'm sure it doesn't help make it any easier when their youngest outgrows those tiny little onesies and it's time to not repack them for the next, but to give them away.  But, at the same time, it must be a comfort and relief to know that you were able to make the decision yourself and to be at peace with it.

About 5 years ago I put a number (age) in my head to give myself an endpoint for having children.  I wasn't even dating anyone at the time, and I certainly hadn't met John.  But, it was a decision that I made just for me and I was completely comfortable with.  I was open to the fact that circumstances may change that number a bit, but it gave me a mental ballpark to help "prepare" me for the fact that I was getting older and for both safety and selfish reasons, it would be in my best interest to just be done.

When I made this decision 5 years ago, I had wanted another child.  Ewan was just shy of 3 and even though there wasn't anyone in my life at that moment, I felt that both Ewan and I were young enough where welcoming another child into our lives within the next few years would be wonderful.  The desire for another child even made me pass over some potential dates (online dating) just for the fact that they already had a heap load of children.  It's not that I am anti-children (I'm a teacher!), but I have seen first hand how tricky it can be to manage a handful of children from blended families.  From organizing schedules for visiting the other parent to finding room (NYC apartment living is tight), I closed myself up from those situations... because I could.  I was not in a hurry to meet someone, let alone marry again, so I could "afford" to be picky.

And then I met John.  He had never been married.  He didn't have any children.  Perfect!  Except for the fact that he did not want children.  That was a possibility that I had never considered and by the time we had reached that point in conversation, it was too late.  John was the one and his not wanting a child was not a deal breaker, although I had hope that he would change his mind still knowing that there was a strong possibility that he may not.  That is what caused me to really think and re-evaluate what I wanted and it was a struggle.

My struggle was accepting that fact that deep down, I was really at 50-50 with wanting another child. That's worse than any other ration because it's a deadlock.  A limbo, and I hate being in limbo.

Even though time was ticking, we had other milestone to reach first...  John and Ewan had to establish their relationship, we moved in together, we planned a wedding.  Our wedding led us right up to my number.  The number I had told myself 5 years ago was 38.  I have about 3 month left at being that age and I have not encountered any circumstances that justifies altering that number.

John still does not want another child.  Deep down, I am certain that if I told him that I wanted one, it would happen.  However, in the nearly 4 years that I have known him, I have never told him that.  As my window quickly approaches closure, what I have learned about myself is that I am okay with having just one child.  I have been all along, my fear was regret.  Not regret after 38, but regret later in life, when I am in my forties or fifties and beyond when the possibility for another child is completely out of my control.   Finding peace with my future self was a major part of the struggle because you just don't know.  But I do know 2 things...

1.  I just spent a week with a 1 year old and a puppy.  And at the end of the day, everyday to be exact, I wanted to leave with the puppy!

And

2.  Life has taught me that if you make what you feel to be the best decision at any given moment, then you have nothing to regret in the future.

So there you have it, Ewan is my one and only and he is perfect for the job!

What's your story?  How did you decide?

John doesn't want a dog either... but as soon as we are out of this apartment, it will happen!!



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